Looking Back

to go on to the next things

Photo by Mashungam Ningshen on Unsplash

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October is a month of remembering for me.

October 2013 was the month I met my husband. It was also the month that I nearly succumbed to deep despair, but God intervened, and I found sustaining comfort in the book of Job. Often I read my journal entries from this time, so I can remember what God has done.

October 2023 is surprising to me as a milestone month, and I didn’t see it that way until recently. October 2023, I started to spiral into some intense turmoil, and it was because of the conversations surrounding egalitarian/complementarianism/patriarchy. I was going to try not to name names, but I think I kind of have to, so here goes. I listened to a podcast I used to love, Kaisis, with Todd Bordow and Osbaldo Valdes. Todd was a guest on my podcast twice, and was such a helpful voice for me and my husband untangling bad teaching on gender roles we had both ingested. We listened to his earlier podcast, Glory Cloud, multiple times over on these topics. Then, sadly, Todd passed away in early 2023.

Osbaldo carried the podcast for a little while after Todd’s death, and I listened to the episodes discussing the way they both journeyed into egalitarianism, which was both surprising and kind of not at the same time. It was also the final straw for me. I began to fall completely apart immediately after listening to this series.

All the hyper-vigilance of my then PTSD was coming to a point where I had to deal with it, but I didn’t know that yet. All I knew was that nothing felt safe and everything was potentially patriarchy sneaking in to take over my life again. I was terrified. My daughter also reached a certain age that began to bring up triggering memories for me from my past when I was her age, and it was unavoidably in my face. I was not ok. I could not squish it all down anymore.

I was unable to sleep because of the turmoil. I was waking up every morning at 4:30, to pray and read the Bible, and meanwhile, I was in a state of panic, full on fight or flight, most of the time. I kept praying, asking God to answer prayers for me on multiple fronts in my internal struggles, but also in my own church, my church’s denomination, my family, my parenting, my marriage. He has answered every single one of those prayers.

In the midst of my spiraling, the fear and the reconstructing (I won’t say deconstructing. You can’t make me!), I still had to do in the topic of gender roles, I reached out to my pastor and basically said I was going to be doing an even deeper dive, wanting advice, but also mostly just wanting him to know because I was afraid I’d go too far without some kind of shepherding. I didn’t want to forsake God’s Word, and I even prayed to have a good hermeneutic as I studied the Bible on this topic. (I know I am such a weirdo to have actually written that prayer out in my journal, but for the sake of historical accuracy, it’s funny to read!)

I was reading all kinds of books on the topic that had me in a panicked state, and yet I was ready to find whatever I was going to find, and to offend whomever I would offend in the end with what I found out. In God’s sovereignty, I was doing a deep dive in the book of Acts, and God met me in those pages with answers. I do plan to share many of the specifics of the result of this little “come apart” that started back in October 2023.

One of the things was that I did EMDR therapy, and was released from therapy without the PTSD diagnosis I went in with. I talk more about that here. The result of this healing that is continuing to this day is a large part what God has used to shape my ideas of what I want to write and talk about here at Reconstructing Your Faith. My healing process is not over whatsoever, but I’ve been given some helpful tools and a better regulated nervous system, so that is very helpful in navigating all the difficulties life continues to bring along, and God has been so faithful to guide all along the way.I’m excited to share more and more of the story.

So all of this to say… as I am moving forward in a new season with Reconstructing Your Faith, you’re going to read or hear me talk more about these issues of the effect of trauma on our faith, how we must not let trauma inform our faith, but let our faith inform our trauma, telling our stories, and of course, quite notably, you will be getting the entire story on where I landed on gender roles, but I’ll be saving that for later since I’m in the middle of a pretty huge project on that topic to be released in the months to come.

Also exciting news! I *internally struggling to type this because it feels scary* will be writing here weekly, at least that is the goal! I’ve been given the gift of time to create this year, and I’m giving it a go, growing my writing and podcasting here.