My Story: Early Childhood
and a little side journey into the hope we can find in even our regrets
Months ago, when I started writing my story down for Substack, I mentioned that I would write as things occurred to me, and I recently decided that rather than continuing to describe terms as I planned to do for a little while longer, I think I have established enough of the general culture and terminology to continue the narrative. Also, surprise! A post when I thought I would not have one for a while!
I remember when things were more normal. I was three and my dad was taking me to the hospital to meet my brand-new baby sister. Excited and nervous, I walked down the hallway, and someone from the hospital gave me a tiny hospital gown with a “Nurse Koala” on it so I could hold my sister. My dad put a pillow on my lap and laid her in my arms. A new love awakened in my heart. I had a sister! I immediately loved her and was thrilled to have her with us. I remember the day my mom came home with her, and the excitement surrounding that time. I don’t remember sibling rivalry; I just remember loving her with my whole heart.
There were many good things in my childhood. My mom made me beautiful dresses. (Sometimes we even matched!) She even gave me a brand-new bedroom for my four-year-old birthday. My parents planned a huge birthday party for me, with games and a big, exciting reveal of my new room—new bedspread, pillows, curtains, everything, all pink, and all handmade by my mom. They hired a person in a bunny suit to bring me balloons, a birthday tiara, and to lead us all to the surprise room. I was overwhelmed and shy, fully terrified of the bunny. They also got me a new swing set, which was one of my favorite things of all. My dad would let me help him in the big garden, and growing gardens with my dad is still a precious memory to me, and I think, part of why I love gardening to this very day. My parents even built me and my sister each our own beautiful dollhouse that they painted and decorated inside, like a Victorian mansion. And in those early days, there were these more normal memories, but The Wolf’s shadow was falling over our family, looming darker and darker.
I was a willful and disobedient child, and The Wolf told my parents how to discipline me. It was harsh and it was unrelenting, and it was not what they wanted to do and it was not what I needed. I have struggled with how to write about this portion of my childhood, and I don’t think it needs detailed accounts, but just a general understanding that the methods of parenting and discipline were handed down from “on high” and my parents were under a huge amount of pressure to keep me in line and performing well. I know I was a difficult child. I liked to argue and push back and ask questions, even at a very young age. I usually had a strong sense of justice and wanted to know why all the time. (I have a similar child now and know how challenging that can be when all you are trying to do is get the child dressed for the day!)
I had a very strong will and could be defiant. I was sinful, but the response and discipline only made it worse for me, isolated me, and shut me down. I never learned how to handle my strong emotions or to feel safe talking about them. I know what being trapped in fight or flight feels like now, and I remember the same feeling in my tiny body back then, of being trapped in my emotions and being frozen, unable to stop crying, but I was not supposed to cry. My parents were told to spank me until I stopped crying, and I would cry so hard that I would throw up. I was unable to “obey” and I was just alone and scared, needing comfort.
Around age 2 and 3, I remember being very affectionate and not afraid to share my affection. I was not afraid to show love and to say “I love you” to my mom and would give a spontaneous hug and “I love you” without reservation. I also remember at some point along those early years, shutting down, and beginning to guard my affection. It was too vulnerable to show feelings is what I had learned, so I began to hold my feelings inside most of the time. I was still happy as a child in many ways but changed. I would cry when I was alone, as I got older, and eventually developed a reputation for being tough, not crying. But I was anything but tough. The goal of the parenting advice was to break my will, so The Wolf said, but instead, it broke my heart.
I know my parents meant well, and that they even didn’t want to follow the counsel of The Wolf, but they were young and scared, and The Wolf was telling them frightening things about how I would turn out if they didn’t follow his advice. He was also teaching them a false understanding of obeying “spiritual authority” and the repercussions of their own disobedience to his counsel before God. I don’t like writing this part of my story because I love my parents and we have reconciled, cried, and processed these things together and I have forgiven them. I know, too, that they loved me, and the way the actually wanted to parent me also came through all along the way despite The Wolf’s influence. In many ways, they shielded me from the greater intensity of The Wolf’s influence the best way they knew how, and they were also being abused by The Wolf.
There is a part of me that wishes I could skip this part, but I think it’s important to tell because it was these interactions and discipline that primed me to blindly obey and follow The Wolf. I think he knew that, and eventually realized it would not be the parents, but the children born in the church that would be his most easy to control population, particularly since he began a very blatant campaign to turn us against our parents during our very influential and formative teen years.
I have been thinking of this part of my story, and how it is a very painful part, not just for me, but for my parents. I also know that that there are those of you reading this that have been the parents in a scenario much like my own, and this has been on my mind for a very long time, so I’ll take a little departure from my story to write to parents who raised their children in this kind of environment and have deep regrets. It’s possible your kids still hold it against you, have walked away from the faith, or perhaps they’ve forgiven and understand the difficult situation it was and you have reconciled. Whatever the case, I want you to know that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is for you in this, too. This is not the unforgivable sin. You are still a loved and cherished child of The King. We share the same Heavenly Father, who sent His son to die for this, yes, even this thing that you deeply regret.
The most comforting thing to me in my story was understanding that God is sovereign in these stories, even if you think somehow your regrettable actions are outside the reach of God’s forgiveness or His love, or even His plan for you. Perhaps you feel you are just on the outskirts of Christianity, and all the promises of God aren’t really for you. Romans 8:28 is quoted so much and often given as a sort of platitude that comes across in a most unhelpful way, that seems to bypass the real emotions of the trials and things that we go through. “Well, it doesn’t matter how you feel! This is all going to be worked out for good.” That is such a mishandling of this teaching. What happened is bad. Parents, you were robbed of your parenthood, as your children were robbed of their parents and childhood. This is a grievous thing. This is not pleasing to God, and it is a tragedy. It is important that you grieve and acknowledge the difficulty, and even repent and repair where necessary, and know that God is with you in this. As you do this, it is also vitally important that you hold fast to truth, and run these regrets right to the cross, and understand that God does work all things, including raising your family in a cult or other unhealthy church environment, even disciplining your children to the point of abuse, when trying to follow “counsel” of “spiritual authority,” for good. “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” This is actually the best news for us all as we process our stories. This is the most hopeful answer I have for any of these stories, no matter how terrible, is that we can be one hundred percent sure that God is working every single thing together for good.
Just a few verses later, we have this assurance without caveat: “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” (I’m just blatantly writing from my sermon notes notebook from last year for this next bit.)
Romans 8:32: He who did not spare his own Son. Spare here has the meaning of leniency, so it could be read as “He who did not deal leniently with his own son.” And we know that Jesus cried out “My God, my God why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46) so you don’t have to cry out like this. You will never be forsaken because He has said “I will never leave you for forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)
In not sparing his own son, but giving him up, “how will he also not with him graciously give us all things?” Is saying that if God has accomplished this greater purpose, eternal redemption, and the fulfillment of his promise from Genesis to redeem us, then how can all these other lesser things not be accomplished? I also love the word graciously here. It does not just say “How will he not also with him give” it says, “graciously give” and I love that because it is not begrudging or bitter giving. It is certainly gracious because we don’t deserve it, but it is also a Fatherly giving, abundantly and without sparing. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13 “Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think…” Ephesians 3:20
There is hope and beauty, even in the darkest story and memory. That’s what I hope parents regretting these choices will know is true for you. God is sovereignly working in all things, and He is for you in abundantly gracious ways. I was listening to R.C. Sproul lecture on the providence of God in Romans 8 just yesterday, and it was so beautifully hopeful to me. Far too often, we think of God in an austere way, with His providence being callous and unfeeling, but what we have seen here is that the doctrine of providence of working all things together, is “all about God being for His people.” God is for you. I don’t think we will ever grasp the wonder of that. Sproul highlighted the comprehensive nature of this. If God is for us, who can be against us and who can separate us from the love of Christ? Nothing! List anything you want. List it forever. No matter how intense the pain. “They do not have the power to break or sever the relationship we have to a loving, kindly, sovereign providence.”1
So even for our regrets for actions done within these cults or toxic churches (because I have them too!), we can confidently say with Paul a few verses later, “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
From Foundations: An Overview of Systematic Theology, Lesson 15: Providence