Reflections...

I turned forty a couple weeks ago and I broke up with Facebook and Instagram. Let's discuss...

Well, I am old now…

I don’t know what exactly this has to do with the usual things and topics of Reconstructing Your Faith, but the events of the last few weeks have definitely been milestones in my continual healing process after spiritual abuse.

First of all, I turned 40 a couple weeks ago.

I’m sure that’s not difficult to sink in for you readers, but for me, it’s an age that feels… weird?

I like it though. Maybe 4o years means I have more substance to who I really am, maybe some more perspective? I decided to celebrate by going to see my favorite comedian, Nate Bargatze, and also going to see his new family friendly movie with my family. Family, friends, shopping, {actually good} gluten free pizza, laughter and fun, with a spontaneous road trip were the mood of this year, and I am grateful to feel a lightness again.

I used to do comedy improv at a local theater in Charleston, SC. Well, really, I took classes, but was just on the cusp of maybe appearing in some shows with the company, when I parted ways because I wouldn’t participate in vulgar scenes. Anyone who knows the rule of improv knows that if you can’t “Yes, AND!” a scene, that you are a party pooper and scene ruiner.¹ My director thought I had talent though, and offered to help me start my own {clean} improv company, but I was in a cult, and really couldn’t have done that back then anyway. And now, I have different priorities, but I am hopeful, that perhaps this year, the fun silliness returns a little more and the laughter and the things that ran away and hid when all the trauma ripped me apart back in 2013 come back a little more, too.

I do think the hypervigilant trauma response caused me to be guarded with all emotions, including the more humorous ones, and I have more than once talked to my husband about the way that free, uninhibited laughter sometimes makes me feel too vulnerable. But, that’s really sad to think about, and it’s not why I came here today!²

As I look back over my 40 years, I am grateful. I know that I have had many years with difficult things, but I also see so much of God’s hand in my life and story, and know that He is always with me, working and moving, so I am truly glad and grateful for these years, all of them.

Goodbye, Facebook and Instagram

I really did it. I didn’t just remove them from my phone or let my husband change my passwords, or deactivate for just a little while… I permanently deleted Facebook and Instagram, and I feel a lot better, and hopeful.

I had a hard time with this decision. This article³ helped me honest with myself. I had to sit and ask myself some difficult questions about why I should keep FB or IG, and I realized that I really needed to be rid of them because the minuscule benefits really did not outweigh the cost. I also realized was that these platforms were designed to cause me to not be able to stop scrolling, and no safeguards I had in place could undermine their actual design to suck me in and waste precious time. It was unhealthy and I think wrong for me⁴ to continue.

After having done a lot of work on being in tune with my body and emotions, I also noticed after a lot of time away from those spaces, when I would log back on, it’s like an electric current of anxiety would immediately begin running through my body. I really did feel physically affected by these platforms.

Another concern I wrestled with was, is deleting these platforms going to keep people from finding my content or from me growing RYF in the way that I would like to grow? I think there was a very tiny pinch of wisdom in wondering that—but in the end, I had to realize that I was wasting time over and over again, and that was time I didn’t have to spare, time I needed to write and research and study, and that ironically trying to keep it around for the sake of RYF was actually hindering my writing and studying. I also know that God doesn’t need me, and I can rest in doing what I can when I can and trusting God with that and the growth of RYF, however He wills these things to go.

I had to realize that I didn’t also need other people to know what I was doing, thinking, etc., and that my identity is not all the things I have done or said over the last however many years of posting on social media.

I also had to hold several things at one time: one is that FB and IG had times in my life where they were good for me and even brought my husband and me to our church community. The other is that even though at one point these platforms were helpful, their lack of helpfulness now does not negate those past experiences, and it is ok for me to move on from them. These platforms have also fundamentally changed over time since I first joined them.

Nostalgia is a powerful drug. What I mean by that is, Facebook becomes a scrapbook of memories to scroll through, or a friend list of people I used to know at a time of life that’s fun to remember. But at what cost did I keep these things around, these false notions of connection and remembering when my real life is happening right in front of me?

So, I talked to my husband about all this with brutal honesty. And just to be safe, I downloaded all the data from each platform from “all time” that I have been on those platforms. (13-15 YEARS) I got a notification that my data was ready and downloaded several zip files. My entire presence on social media was boiled down to some zip files; every like, comment, photo, interaction is on my computer desktop now. So, I have that, for whatever reason.

Saturday evening, I sat in our living room, my cursor hovering over the “delete permanently” button, feeling like I was about to lose something huge, but also like I was about to be rid of something bad. And so, with Steve there for the small, but significant moment, I deleted my social media self, and disconnected from my toxic relationship with Facebook and Instagram.

I think the big takeaway as I move forward is that I want to be intentional that I don’t replace those platforms with something else not edifying or a bad use of my time, but that I will instead be more present in my life, reach for a book, pray, or connect with a person in real life.

That’s all for this update on life. I have lots of more substantial articles in various stages of planning (under all these papers surrounding me as I type!) as I get the hang of the routine this summer.

Thanks for reading!

1. Kind of like Michael Scott…

2. It is why I go to therapy, though!

3. I really encourage you to read this!

4. Not telling anyone what to do! We are all different.